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Thursday, December 16, 2021

A Rambling Post That Needs A Follow Up

First off, thank you so much for all your calendar orders!  As the emails came in and I started writing out address labels and saw familiar name after familiar name, something kind of broke open in me.  

I've mostly felt like I've failed as a "sheep business" these last two years.  That I didn't respond properly to having no fiber festivals, open farm days, in person Wool House Crafters meetings...  As the months drug on and I still didn't rally and Do Something, I felt worse and worse. 

While no one is ever going to go hungry here or not get vet attention whenever they need it, the flock had been able to basically support itself for the last several years.  Me not picking up the baton and keeping things rolling felt like letting them down as well.  Did they know I was making them "fail", too?

Of course they weren't failing!  That's just ridiculous. I have no problem standing up for them.  What I had not been able to do for the last two years was stand up for myself.  I watched as shepherds and fiber artists around me embraced online market places and filled in gaps and figured out ways to keep the lights on...and I...I posted pictures on Instagram.  

Mostly those pictures were for myself.  A diary.  Most of the pictures were beautiful.  Things I wanted to focus on and remember.  Some of the pictures were funny, to make myself and others laugh.  I made sure I posted as much as I could even on days I didn't really want to...for myself, but also for my friends who messaged and emailed and wrote actual letters telling me how much those posts meant to them.  

It was the least I could do...but it wasn't a business.  Even Tim said my business was no longer a business and I should close it down.  He didn't say it meanly, but it still hurt.  I'd been proud of what I'd done the last 15 years and felt like I was just throwing it all away and was apparently powerless to stop it.  A failure.

But...this fall some friends I'd made from the online Wool House Crafters group came to visit and a little crack formed.  I remembered that this is what it used to be like.  Good, kind, fun people standing around a skirting table talking about wool and sheep and what they were going to make.  

And as I wrote out shipping labels this week, with names I've seen for years now, that crack widened.  Most of the emails came in with notes thanking me for the pictures and stories.  Those silly Instagram pictures.  Good, kind, fun people.  You are all still here.

We are all still here.  We are all still here.  We are all. still. here.

I posted pictures on Instagram.  It was the most I could do...and it kept us all together.  I am a part of my flock and we are Not Failures.  We are all still working together, taking care of each other.  Together we are now heading into winter with all our hay and most of our straw paid for.  

So while this seems mostly like a huge thank you post, which it sure is, I also hope a second message shines through for anyone everyone else who has struggled through these times.  Keep showing up.  That is what Not Failing looks like.  It may still feel like it, but you are not failing.  Success is not just keeping your business open.  Success is whatever is important to you.  Don't give up.

* * * * *

Okay, so this post went way off the tracks :-o.  It was supposed to just be a "Come out to the farm on Saturday and pick up a calendar and Christmas card and say hi to the sheep" post.  I'm going to go get some breakfast, regroup and start over with a new one ;-).  



11 comments:

amyfibre said...

Oh Sara! I so wish I could pop over on Saturday and give you and the whole farmily a huge hug. You are absolutely, unequivocally NOT a failure in any way.

I know you didn't/don't monetize your Instagram and/or blog, but your postings have significantly supported my mental health during the pandemic. I count on what you share to keep my spirts up, to remember that there are good things in the world, to connect to the love and humor and grace and silliness, that come out of you and your farm.

Now, I'm not suggesting you do anything different than what you're doing. (Other than maybe figuring out a Hay/Kibble/Cookie Donation button for the blog.) I just want you to know that I consider your Instagram content vital for my mental health. Just like I subscribe to Clara Parkes' Daily Respite, and sign up for Barn Chats with Tammy at Wing & A Prayer, I would happily pay you for your content.

Mostly I want you to know how important your presence is to me.

Merry Christmas to you, Saint Tim, and the whole farm crew.

Shirley said...

Those in power in this world want exactly that- to make a person feel like a failure and crawl into a hole and give up. Because that gives them more power and control.
Thank you for not giving up in these bleak times. Although I only see you on the blog, having quit Facebook and instagram due to their policies that take away freedom of speech etc., your blog is always a welcome bright spot in my day.
Sending cyber hugs! as I am so far away
Also glad the tornado wasn't in your area.

Michelle said...

Thank you for always being real in a world of filters and other altered reality, Sara. You do a whole lot more to keep your flock self-sustaining than I do, even these last two years (and here is where I take myself by the hand and lead me away from feeling bad about myself and again focusing on YOU), but I have sensed the heaviness behind the sporadic blog posts. Wish I could have come over when we were in your neck of the woods; know that however many miles separate us that I count you as a kindred spirit and dear friend. I listened to C.S. Lewis' "The Last Battle" on our trip; the end of those chronicles really speaks to me in these days! I started his Space Trilogy, too; also very good, and applicable. I highly recommend both!

Cheryl West said...

Dear Sara, Never in a zillion years would I have ever considered you a "failure".
You do so much to keep your farm beautifully. You have had a great many losses these past two years. I am sure we have all cried with you.
As others have already written ,your blog and instagram photos have been a real bright spot to get through these times. I look forward to them every day.
Here's hoping 2022 wii finally improve.
Hugs to all of you.

Juliana said...

When I read your blog post, I thought about all the dear animals you have lost in the last two-plus years, and I wondered if grief and the accompanying depression are part of what you are feeling--part of what you are not naming. From everything I have read in your posts, you have been a wonderful animal-mother to your sheep, dogs (dear Hank), cats, chickens, horses. I remember all the times I found a blog post from you in my feedly account, and then read that you were mourning another dear animal friend. I wonder if you are suffering what so many people are experiencing the last 2 years: grief and depression because of all the personal and national and global losses--also the loss of our 'normal'. Your actual business may have suffered from all of this, but you are not a failure. I know this will be a little corny, but when I think of you and your farm, I think of an oasis of love, and you are the center and heart of this.

Marcy said...

This is a great post, it’s real life. Just being able to see your pictures and read the Facebook and blog entries lifts us up, and I hope you know by now how important you are to so many people. Just being able to see a tiny bit of your life, and how you care for your furry family, lifts us up. Thank you.

MarmePurl said...

Wise words. For all of us.

Cappy said...

Hearts and hugs!

Keep on keeping on!

karen said...

you are a big success when you account for all the challenges the past two years have been like. Love your space here and your honesty :) Big hugs!

Nancy said...

Sara,
Keep going! I check for your stories and pictures everyday. I've laughed, cried and looked with wonder at the beauty that your photographs and words bring to me.

You are one of the good things that helps me to keep going. You and your animals are valued by so many. Thank you.

Take heart,
~Nancy

ineedorange said...

Aw. Thanks for being there, and taking care of everyone, and sharing it all with us. It's important. It's meaningful. We appreciate it. { hugs }

I have been holding out, objecting to IG strong-arming me for my bd. I know who owns it, and I know that individual has NEVER cared a bit for anyone's wellbeing but his own.............

One day I'm going to ... prevaricate.

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