Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Stairway To Heaven...Part Two

We are fortunate (?) to have a guest blogger today.

As many of you who are active readers of this blog know, recently one of our cats suffered a terrible loss. Eli, through no fault of his own (well okay maybe weight had something to do with it) had his stairway to heaven severely compromised by a broken branch.

While it appears to this writer that with a modicum of effort on Eli's part, an alternate route could have been mapped out, many of you (59…really?) decided it was my responsibility to amend this injustice. While I am no fan of online polls (do you realize most prisons allow internet access?) I finally decided I would put my incredible handyman skills to work on this project in response to the public outcry.

After a period of thoughtful introspection I formulated a plan for the project. And to the novice handymen and women out there, by thoughtful introspection I mean many long arduous days of fishing spread out over several weeks.



As with any project of this scope and magnitude, procuring the finest materials and tools is paramount. So I went out to the barn and basically grabbed whatever was in plain sight. For those of you following along, instead of a barn you may want to check in your shed, garage or even in your “shop”. I do know that the fabled “shop” does exist as I have seen pictures of them in magazines (editor's note - apparently all available "shop" space has been occupied by, um, my stuff ;-).



So with duct tape, ladder and a short piece of 1x2 (shortened by the time honored method that every plumbers son uses – a swift karate leg chop – watch for flying splinters!!) I approached the daunting task with confidence. Confidence that I may add, which was conspicuously absent from the gathered bystanders.



The refitting of the broken pieces was performed by, well, basically refitting the broken pieces onto the unbroken pieces. Now for the tricky part: application of the duct tape. Sure many of you think you know how to apply duct tape, but do you really? The first consideration is do you want to use the entire width of the product, or do you want to tear it into tiny bits? This project called for the whole enchilada.

Secondly when using duct tape outdoors it is important to take into consideration if there is any wind that you may have to deal with? Many a project started hastily in subpar conditions has gone terribly awry due to wind induced duct tape self adhesion. It’s really kind of like duct tape on duct tape violence. Not pretty. Nobody wins.

Lastly and most importantly is the decision about directionality – clockwise or counterclockwise wrapping. I generally prefer the counterclockwise wrap for most projects (that’s just who I am…) but this one called for what I like to refer to as the “combo wrap”. Pretty much just wrapping it several different directions and then adding a few “smoothing layers” over the top to hide any imperfections.

And there you have it. Voila (or as I used to pronounce it until I knew better “vee-ola”) - the completed project. In a little under 55 seconds we had a winner.



Of course as with any technical project such as this there are always those pesky “extra” parts that are left over.

Whenever finishing a big project like this it’s always gratifying to to stand back and say “Yep, that'll hold. I’m going fishing”.

Remember kids, if you can’t fix it with duct tape or a hammer, then you have an electrical problem.


26 comments:

Camp said...

BRAVO BRAVO...well done...Saint Tim..ahem...I mean guest blogger.I think you should have a guest column every week..you are quite the entertainer...i mean craftsman. On that note...Iris...would like a ladder to get in the pool. She doesn't mind duct tape at all. And we all enjoy a good song on the vee-ola.

Sheepmom said...

This definately rates a guest appearance on the Red Green Show.

That Andy

Sheepmom said...

I think you should put a mattress underneath it all just in case the duct tape isn't up to the job of holding a dead limb AND Eli. You don't want a vet bill if Eli should get squished UNDER the limb if it falls again. (ALthough it will probably just droop in a slow, controlled manner.)

Robin
PS. Did Saint Tim test it for safely by climbing it?

Nancy K. said...

Could I hire you to guest host on MY blog???

;-)

Farmchick said...

Duct tape to the rescue once again in life....lol!

Christine said...

ROTFLMAO! Priceless. Absolutely priceless.

K. Crane: Big Fat Art Cloth said...

you had me at duct tape...

ME said...

Looks good to me......

Alice said...

And that is what is known as "redneck engineering" at it's best!!!

A hilarious post ! Guest blogging becomes you!!

Go fishin' .... you deserve a break ( and I don't mean a fallen limb)

Lori Skoog said...

Not a hard job for such a talented woman!

Tammy said...

Oh my, 'guest blogger' I laughed all the way through it. Baling wire, binder twine and duct tape--keeps the world turning. Thanks for being such a 'saint' and mending Eli's world.

Tammy

Terry and Linda said...

YOU are a delight! And I'm sure ELI finds you so... I am also a believer in duct tape and baling twine...can't do much without either one of them. :)

Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

If your cat can't find you handsome, he should at least find you handy.

That's as handy as it gets. And now you should repeat the man's prayer and then go fishing.

From a Canadian reader who loves Red Green.

Chris S.

small farm girl said...

I'm impressed! A man of many tallents.hehehehehehe

Deb W said...

Alice was right....you know you're from Kentucky when you repair a DEAD TREE with duct tape and baling wire. (call Jeff Foxworthy)

I'm gonna tell Mom! said...

Brilliant!

Dreaming said...

Where would we be without duct tape?

Jan baby said...

This sounds like the beginnings of Book 2 of the continuing saga of the second 101 uses of duct tape! A genius if there ever was one! That's why God lets you catch the big fish!

Ed said...

LOL!!! Thats great and I bet Eli is happy. If all esle fails...Duct it..:-)))

sheepsclothing said...

that's awesome. Eli is a lucky cat.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical! Thanks for a good laugh on a gray Monday morning
Marcy in Calif.

gowestferalwoman said...

but red green would add " of course, its important that you take out a policy, just in case "

LOL you be the ultimate cat momma!

flowerweaver said...

The question is, did Eli approve the finished work? I'm sure Farmer Rick will enjoy reading this one!

bj from LaColline said...

A classic tale well told! ...and that closing line should be on a bumper sticker!

Far Side of Fifty said...

So glad the Stairway to Heaven will continue..but perhaps a plan b should be waiting in the wings ..just in case:)

Denise said...

love this present for Eli :-) who is after all such a deserving puss! Just goes to show duct tape can "fix" anything.

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin