To The Moon And Back

It will be a surprise to no one that she didn't go down without a fight.  She'd started having trouble getting up and needed help a couple of times.  She didn't like that, but once she was up, she cheered back up and trucked on like normal.  Not normal Maisie, but normal for these last few months.

She wasn't able to walk around very much and no one was any longer in any real danger of being taken out in a side attack, but she'd still swing her head around to remind us and her teeth still worked just fine if she thought you were not scratching her back enough or being stingy with the cookies.

I had started watching her pretty closely on the barn cameras and noticed Saturday morning she was struggling to get up so I went out and helped her up.  It was 6:00 in the morning.  She didn't lay back down until 1:00 Sunday afternoon.  31 hours on her feet.  Not. Giving. Up.

I couldn't figure out if she was just scared to lay down or if her arthritis was just so bad that it hurt too much to lay down.  I let her decide what she wanted to do and even though I really wanted her to just  please take a nap, I didn't force it.  I'd have helped her get back up forever.

In the end I think she believed if she went down that it was all over.  And I think she was as disappointed as the rest of us that she didn't live forever.  When she finally laid down, she instantly fell asleep for good while and that brought me some peace watching her...like I'd watched her for so many years.

I sat down next to her and then leaned over and put my head next to hers and we laid there nose to nose, both afraid we'd never be able to get up again.  She snuggled into my hands and I'm not sure if she was looking for comfort or trying to comfort me.  She heard the vet pull in and I knew she knew and I could tell she was upset.  I'm not sure if she was scared or sad.  

The vet and I talked about how tough she had been her whole life while she gave her the first shot.  She was chewing on a mouthful of hay and then closed her eyes and went to sleep for the last time.  I held her head in my hands, stroking her face telling her how much she was loved while she got the second shot.  I hope when she woke up, there was a big white dog sniffing her, wagging his tail in greeting.  I hope she's not as gutted as I am.

This morning I walked outside in the pre-dawn to a brilliant rainbow around the full moon.  All the colors were there and so bright.  I went back inside for my camera, but couldn't capture it.  I'll  keep the colors in my memory.  My heart wants to believe it was a gift from over the rainbow bridge.

To end this on a more cheerful note, here's maybe my favorite Maisie memory.  There are so many great ones.  I'm not sure I ever wrote about it and I sure wish I'd taken some videos.  We can curse these crazy cell phones these days, but I'd give anything to have had a smart phone back in her baby days.

She lived in the house for months that first winter.  Once we got her eating issues straightened up and her legs growing in the right direction, she loved to run.  There's only so much some towels on a slick kitchen floor would help, so she was allowed to run all over the carpeted house to play and exercise.

Tim would sit on the couch with his arm hanging over the side and she'd come over and sniff his fingers.  Right when she'd almost touch them he'd make a buzz sound and she'd scream with lamb laughter and race away with her tail spinning...and come right back to do it again and again.  She loved that game.

At a neighborhood gathering once I admitted that "I've never loved anything as much as her...and I'm pretty fond of Tim."  The comment of course got back to him and he quickly replied that he already knew where he stood.  

We all loved her to the moon and back.