Wednesday, May 27, 2020

It Don't Do No Good To Get Angry

I went to the grocery yesterday to get some Epsom Salts and canned food for Comby...and I left my billfold at home.  I pulled out my car wash change stash and it looked like I had a little over $5.00.  Surely I could make that work.

Epsom Salts were more expensive than I thought, almost $5.00.  I added one can of cat food and headed to the cashier, hoping for the best.  "That will be $5.58, please."  Yikes, I might not have that much and I started counting, preparing to put the cat food back.  I had exactly, to the penny, $5.58. 

"Someone was looking out for you!"  Things like that happen to me frequently enough that while I have no actual idea how the universe works, I do feel like there could be "guardian angels" and usually I take a deep breath and say "Thank you." 

That was not what I was saying as I walked out to my car.  I felt like I was going to explode.  In my head I was yelling "You can count (blankety) change, but you can't watch out for a sweet little lamb?!?  I don't care about the (blankety) money!"  And I felt like an asshole.

Of course Auntie Reg got the brunt of all of this and the pretty well incoherent angry sobs of not only the meanness of the loss of Early on top of Abby, but of all those weeks of more great pictures and videos that I can now no longer bear to look at and how I don't remember...anything?...anymore about Abby and I already can no longer "see" Early out in the yard or in the barn with Willard and Cheeto  and all the people all over who who were now as heartbroken as me and how much extra I hurt for each person as I read so many kind, but sad words and maybe I shouldn't have posted so much and drug everyone in and then I said something about well maybe everyone else could still go back and look at the pictures and they wouldn't all have been for nothing...and as I was saying those words to Reg, amyfibre was typing "We will hold on to all the good memories for you until you can bear them again."
So my guardian angel, who, honestly, probably feels as bad as we do, couldn't save Early...but can count change...and send me an "Equinox Community of friends" who can all "sit with you on the porch, as the tears run down our cheeks. Imagining fetching you another beverage, patting a dog, looking out at the martins flying and the sheep grazing and the horses napping..."

I can't bear to look, but Early's probably out in the middle of the yard.  Or if he's not there, you might find him under the pine tree eating brambles.  Or checking on his chickens.  Maybe he's taking a nap with Cheeto or butting heads with Willard looking to see what he's eating.  Maybe he's strutting down the hill to go graze with the big boys or standing at the gate talking to the horses.  Maybe you'll get lucky and see him racing, leaping, skipping and spinning up the road.  And maybe one day I'll get brave enough to go back and watch the video of him jumping into the back of the car.  He was a wonder.

You can gaze out the window get mad and get madder,Throw your hands in the air, say "; What does it matter?";But it don't do no good to get angry,So help me I know.    
John Prine, Bruised Orange


Anonymous said...

But maybe the Universe WAS looking after you with the whole Early time. You had an extraordinary experience: you got to save a baby lamb, you even had the gift of sleeping with him and getting that wonderful photo of him sleeping on you in all his love and trust. You open your heart to all the love of your animals, and maybe that is what the Universe is doing to and through you. Early did not have a long life, but maybe he had his own best and perfect life, and you gave that to him, just as he gave you the enormous gift of more love in your heart. This is terribly sad, but this is not the story. The story is Early in all his exuberance and joy and your great and wonderful opportunity to witness that. Juliana E in South Dakota

Marcy said...

I hope it helps to express yourself, you did so most eloquently and honestly. Thank you for the love and care you give to your flock, thank you for the love and care you give to your community, and thank you for the love and care you give .to the greater world. The last thing I want to do is cause you concern for my emotions. We are all here to support you. I don’t know if there is a god or if we have guardian angels, but you seem like a guardian angel to me.

Terry and Linda said...

I just read the two comments above and thought Oh! My Goodness! Juliana and Marcy said so much in their written words. So much better than I---but still the thoughts I have.

You ARE a good Sheep Momma. Truly you are, Sara. I fell in love with Comby and Boo, then I fell in love with YOU and your love for your darling sheep. I too raised sheep years ago when a youth---having your babies to love all over again, albeit from a far... has been a gift and a blessing to me.

Farm life is Joyful, scary, Fun, sad, and enriching all at once...but you know know that.

Know also, Sara, we love YOU! You are the secret to middle of the pinwheel taking care of everyone, all wooly and fur babies and sharing with us your heart.

Hugs, Sara. I wish I could hug you, but this will just have to do.

Thank you, Auntie are us in person.


Anonymous said...

Rest assured,dear Sara, sharing your story has not caused any burden on us. We are in your shared grief seeing remnants of our life's loss and tragedies. And, yes, our maddening anger and shake your fist frustration. But I know there is a God and angels. Oh, the stories I could tell. But truly I think our anger is not that something happened, but instead the "why." Be mad. God can handle it. So can we. Why did this happen? I think God has a lot of explaining to do someday(smile).I know I have a long list of questions... Early is beyond pain, worry. His life could not have been more joyful. One day in the future you will still have the "why" in the reason for his loss. But that can wait. You be remembering the wonderful "why" he came to you and made your life the better for it. Katherine Littrell

Michelle said...

So many wonderful comments; I'm nodding at all of them. Shared joy AND sorrow enrich our lives here! And someday, there will be only joy and peace, and that will be sweeter still; SO much sweeter. Yesterday I had to resist the urge to hold Poppy so tightly that she might get alarmed, knowing that my time with her will so much shorter than I want no matter how long she lives. She's (another) heartbreak waiting to happen, but a taste of heaven while she's with me. As was Early. SUCH a good lamb....

Far Side of Fifty said...

I hope you feel the love and support from all your readers coming your way. Losing a sweet four legged wonder is never easy but not having the joy they bring into our lives would be worse...I think. You need some wander through disbelief, anger, frustration and finally acceptance. Grief sucks. But you know that. BUT how can we love less so it hurts less??
I suspect you have many Guardian Angels:)

Anonymous said...

well, the computer ate my comment and all I remember writing is that I still have headaches from crying esp after reading all the coherent comments. Cannot think so goddess knows how you are doing/ Thank God for Auntie Reg, she is your earthly guardian angel. Susan ID

Auntie Reg said...

I did not get to have very much time with Early in person (2x). I treasure all of the photographs, facetime, and phone conversations ( yes I talk to all of the animals on the phone. If it where Not for iPhones Sara and I would be lost. Some day we know why the lambies pass by us and vanish as cloud angels. Sara’s blog and Instagram family is very important. Thanks you to all You are precious friends and Thanks sharing kind words. Sara is a true shepherdesses to all her farm critters.

Shirley said...

"We will hold on to all the good memories for you until you can bear them again." Thank you amyfibre for writing that.

sophy0075 said...

Please count me as a virtual hugger and memory-holder.

You hurt - if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human. Besides, those who cannot hurt cannot feel love.

It’s ok to be angry at God. There’s nothing in the Bible that’s against it.

Hugs. I’m so sorry you had this rotten- these rotten losses.

Cheryl West said...

We know and love you through your generous blog and instagram. We are all here to share your joys and I hope, help to support you through terrible times like this.

You are so good and kind you absolutely must have guardian angels.

Lisa said...

I am hoping that sweet Early is cuddled up on John Prine's lap right now...maybe your job was to teach him how to snuggle and love people so he can comfort all of those we lost that are up in heaven now...they have a lot more people up there that normally wouldn't be Early has a big job to heart hurts for you, so sorry, thank you for saving all the lambies out there.

Kim Gavin said...

Sara, you are the bravest person with the biggest heart I know. Thank you for sharing your love with us and making our own hearts bigger in the process. You are a wonderful shepherd of your animal and human flock. We love you.

I need orange said...

Sara, you are not responsible for keeping us from grief.

This makes me think of telling a friend that I was very sorry for leaving a group she and I worked with for years, because I thought my leaving would make her sad.

She told me crisply that keeping her happy was NOT my job; it was her husband's job. :-)

I'll pass that wisdom along: It's not your job to see that we are not sad.

Your generosity allows us the privilege of sharing with you the good, and the terrible, that are the way life is, on this Earth.

Thank you for sharing your critters with us. I love the joyful parts. The awful parts ... they do not outweigh the delight, and the wonder.

I hope it is possible that knowing we share a small part of your sorrow might lift that little fraction of sorrow from your shoulders, rather than adding to it. It's my privilege to carry that for you, if you'll let me.

Thank you for sharing Early with us. He was a delight and a wonder.

I'll go fetch the Kleenex box. Do you want some more iced tea?


ps -- thank you, Reg, for being there for Sara in ways the rest of us can't

pps -- put a $20 in the glove box, against billfold-left-at-home annoyances?

Gilbert said...

Hello, I enjoy reading all of your article post.
I wanted to write a little comment to support you.

Anonymous said...

Big Hug!


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