Thursday, December 31, 2020

Welp...

My iPhone sent me a year in review "Memory" this morning.  I used to get those fairly frequently, but maybe my phone knew this wasn't the year to keep hammering things.  I almost didn't watch it, but I took a deep breath and hit "play"...and got sucker punched right from the start.  

Early...with his sweet nose tucked up in my sweatshirt sleeve.  I'd forgotten he liked to do that.  I hadn't forgotten about him bouncing up the road.  I just hadn't been able to bring myself to watch it.  Sound asleep next to me.  He felt like cotton.  Watching my hand move brought that feeling back in a way a still picture apparently can't.

The videos surprised me.  I had needed to free up space on my phone back in the summer and deleted everything up through May.  Backed up of course, but I was honestly a little relieved to no longer chance seeing his pictures anymore.  There were a lot of pictures of Early.

I didn't think about needing to leave all those pictures on for a year in review "memory".  I didn't think about a lot of things this year.  Or...I thought about too many things this year.  And as much as I tried to think about all the good and beautiful things, what mostly stayed front and center was all the junk I shouldn't have been thinking about and it was a heavy weight that I just couldn't figure out how to set down.

I was/am disappointed in myself.  I didn't handle all the 2020 crap very well.  So many missed opportunities.  So little to show for so much opportunity.  So many tears.  I feel like I failed at almost everything.  Myself, my horses, my craft, my business...

I did show up every day and I took care of my family.  On days I'm trying to be kind to myself I think there were times that might have been good enough.  And I took pictures.  And knowing I wasn't the only one needing a place of respite, I tried to share as many of them as I could.  And most days I am convinced that was good.

So here we sit.  So many things I wish I'd done differently.  I wish I'd not deleted all the pictures from the first part of the year.  I'm sure there were pictures of Hank in there.  Who else, now gone?  What other things do I wish my battered brain could now remember?  

But just like the year itself, there was a little gift in this "memory".  Tucked deep away in the archives of my phone's battered brain was a folder of videos.  Videos that I would probably have never looked at again.  Videos that I needed to see.  To remember that he felt like cotton.  

Even the bad years can be beautiful.


 

19 comments:

Leslie said...

Oh lordy...I was already having a weepy day and this set me off again. I'm so sorry it was such an awful year for you. Mine wasn't stellar either but your IG and blog posts were something I looked forward to and they often made me smile. A couple times I went to the blog and read thru old posts about a particular sheep, which was fun. I so hope 2021 treats us all a little more kindly. Thank you and take care.

Tee said...

Please know that your blog and Instagram posts bring a sense of calm and peace to me, no matter what the topic. I allow myself to take a few minutes from my day to imagine myself on the farm with you, giving love to the animals as you do. I share the funny ones with my 5 year old grandson and he loves them as much as I do. We have all been through a terrible year and we all look forward to what 2021 will bring. Give yourself a hug from me and my grandson.
-Tee

Anonymous said...

My 2020 experience has been different than most. I'd retired in 2019, so I looked forward to not living "by the clock" in 2020. I like solitude, so the quarantine wasn't too difficult either. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on what really is important- to be in each moment. My best friend fur baby, Joy, turns 12, so I am cherishing each and every moment. I've learned that lesson the hard way in the past. Time flies...I mean REALLY flies! Time is priceless. Moments are golden. Simple pleasures make our hearts soar...like a little lamb who felt like cotton... Peace, my friend, in this coming year. We'll all be here with you. K. Littrell

Juliana said...

Thank you so much for sharing this year review with all of us. As I was watching the video, I caught myself naming your animals as if I knew and know them personally. It always makes me teary to think of Hank especially, but I am sad for all your losses. I think it is very brave, but also very, very generous of you to share your lovely animals and farm with all of us, both the joys and the sorrows. Thank you, thank you.

I need orange said...

Aw, Sara. Sometimes surviving the day (while making sure everyone else is taken care of) is all the victory we can manage.

That's ok.

We can't be superheroes every day. Sometimes just making it through is all we can do, and that's ok.

Sending you a hug, and sharing your tears.

Thank you for sharing your world and your critters with us. My life is enriched by its intersection with yours.

Marcy said...

You may feel like you missed opportunities or failed at whatever, but you need to know how much you enrich others’ lives just by posting and sharing your farm, your animals and yourself. I am so grateful that you allow me to check in and get to know a little bit of your life and beloved animals. Thank you for making this year a lot more bearable and here’s hoping for a great new year to come.

tpals said...

Every time I saw a new post by you I smiled. Even when the news was sad, you provided a connection to your farm and family that I needed this year. Thank you.

Shirley said...

What a beautiful video- I am glad your phone saved that for you. This has been a hard year for so many people, but we made it through to the other side... I just hope it wasn't the prelude to the storm.
Your blog is one of my favourites, and since I am no longer on Facebook or Instagram I sure do look forward to your posts and amazing photos.
I guess we can all look at this last year as an opportunity to do things differently from now on, because there sure is no going back to the way things were.

Terry and Linda said...

Sigh! I so understand. My heart breaks daily. But I am still here so I must go on. Sigh

DianeOart said...

This 2020 was a nightmare, I was lucky enough to be able to read your blog even if some posts were sad at least there was peace and lots of love, I really appreciated your team tour de fleecee and the redux it was nice to see everyone spinning nice fibers.

wyomingheart said...

I can truly feel that loss of your babies, and appreciate how hard it is to open those wounds and look at them. I know that it’s part of our living experience, to feel and live through loss...it’s not fair at times, but it is our living experience. It is what Grandma used to say... take the bitter with the sweet. It’s because of the bitter, that we truly can celebrate the sweet. 2021 ! Happy New Year, and beyond, for all !

farm buddy said...

Beautiful pictures!

Far Side of Fifty said...

Aw so good to see sweet Early...Friends was a great word for you as you have so many. You are one of the bestest critter Mamas that did good and continue to do good. I know it was a tough year for you so many losses, so many friends...but you loved large...and that is what counts!

momto1 said...

What they said. I didn’t discover you until well into the year, but you and your pictures and videos and puzzles have brought me much-needed entertainment and comfort. I cried too when I saw Early. Precious little being. You have not failed at anything. You showed and shared love. That’s success in my book.

Rhumpelthreadz said...

Ah Sara. So much sadness and so much joy. A good cry is good for the soul. Your blog has been an anchor in a seriously crappy year and I am thankful for all that you share. Biggest of hugs. You've done good honey.

Terry and Linda said...

I am crying. I agree this has been a horrid year. For all the reasons you list.

Hugs. I know that isn't enough.

MarmePurl said...

the Way you give and receive Love touches my heart.

Cappy said...

This video warmed my heart. Thank you for posting...

Sheepmom said...

That was an excellent video even if it was bittersweet. The heartaches shouldn't overshadow the good moments although it's hard sometimes to remember those when your heart is hurting. The only failure in life is to not try and you try with all your might every. single. time. Here's to a brighter 2021.

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin